Cake Witches
A Cakey Coven
Refining the Dark Arts of Bakeromancy
Not just any gal can be a Cake Witch!
Do You Have What It Takes To Be A Cake Witch?
A fully-fledged Cake Witch, exhibiting her fine scrying cake
Special Forces of the Bakery World
That’s a big cake…for you
Meet the Top Brass of Big…Cake
A veteran Cake Witch, beloved and respected by all in our Company Café
Not All Cake Witches Are Spooky
Some Cake Witches are ‘candy house’ type witches
Cake Witches Know How to Keep a Happy Kitchen
Only specially trained Cake Witches are authorized to handle the toxic ingredients of the scry cake
They Also Make Wonderful & Edible Delights
These cupcakes are completely edible
Drop In Uninvited…They Love It!
Cake Witches are always delighted you came
The Wide Variety of Cake Witches
Twin Cakes, a result of a joint operation between our Café staff and the Genetics Research Department, both of the wide variety
What’s It Like as a New Cake Witch?
New recruit Calamity Cakes at her first day on the job in the Company Café
A Calamitous Success: Calamity Cakes in the Spotlight
Calamity Cakes winning her first Annual Cake-On Competition, just 6 months after she started baking in our Café
Cake Witches of Legendary Proportions
The (vo)Luminous Fortune Teller
The Fortune Teller herself, boss witch of our Café staff and director of the Department of Paranormal Affairs
She’s a Royal Witch: the Gene Queen of Antarctica
Gene Queen of Antarctica: Grand Matriarch of all Cake Witches
The Gene Queen created the Cake Witches by combining genetic material from her own breast milk and gluteal lipids, then painstakingly formulating a special serum dubbed “Caking Agent”, prized for it’s beauty enhancing qualities. In a sense, all Cake Witches are technically Her Majesty’s progeny, and they possess a ‘hive mind’ loyalty and obeisance to her grand scheme: spreading sweetness into every dark crevice of the world.
Twins Ahoy: The Tugboat Twins
Ultra-vitalized twin clones created by the Gene Queen of Antarctica to act as Her Majesty’s Double Headers of Homeland Security
Keeping the shores of Antarctica safe from the forces that would threaten the sanctity and sovereignty of Her Majesty’s Antarctica, or try to override the Antarctic Treaty of 1959.
Graduated With Honors: Cake Witch Honorable Mentions
While never becoming full fledged Cake Witches, the following women’s life pursuits caused them to befriend, bump elbows with, or otherwise connect to the Cakey Coven. Just like if you’re friends with a dairy farmer, you’ll get some free gallons of milk once in a while, so too are the Cake Witches generous with their “magic”. Sometimes as a helpful gesture, sometimes as a hilarious prank.
Carnival Barkette: Her Crowds Got Three Times Larger
Unapologetically extroverted, the Carnival Barkette loves to chit chat with our resident Cake Witches on her barking breaks
The lively, lovely, and loquacious Carnival Barkette pals around with the witches any chance she gets. During her breaks from barking at the carnival, she’ll swing by and get all the tea from our lovely bakers. Talking, it would seem, is something the Barkette cannot take a break from.
Unseasonably chilly one summer evening, the Barkette put on a light sweater as she squawked and gossiped her way to our Café. In the heat of the baking kitchen, as she yakked on, she naturally started to feel a bit too warm, and draped her sweater of the back of a chair. Well, those ladies just went about carrying on like they do, and one of the Cake Witches absent mindedly grabbed the Barkettes little sweater and wiped up a spill on the countertop.
Now, we’re not exactly sure what’s in the thousands of ingredients in that special kitchen, but some folks say there’s a little bit of magic dust floating around that little ol’ café. After that day, the crowds at the carnival got three times larger due to the increased charm and charisma the beautiful Barkette seemed to be blessed with out of nowhere…
Judy Patootie: Pranked in the Booty
The victim of a playful prank, poor Judy was never quite the same after her encounter with a cantankerous Cake Witch
Life on the road can be rough and tumble, and playing with an act like the Rowdy Rudies meant the competition for tinpanned food scraps was fierce. Ever the enterprising gal, Judy Patootie was more than happy for the chance to “sing for her supper” so to speak, as many of her fellow jazzmates set out to pluck, piddle, and fiddle their bellies full by the generosity of amused strangers. A musician of alternative skillsets, Judy didn’t play any instrument most folks today had ever heard of. It was called a ‘fad’ at the time, or a ‘passing whimsy’, today it’s considered a lost art: foghorning.*
Judy happened upon the home of a bodaciously beautiful woman, who lived alone in her little cottage baking up the finest smelling somethings Judy’d ever sniffed. So alluring was the scent of glutinous deliciousness, Judy basically walked in and invited herself to dessert with barely a knock on the door. Not wanting to be a begging bum, Judy started doing her thing with all of the spirit of a starving artist.
She didn’t realize she was blasting farts in the kitchen of a powerful Cake Witch with a funny bone and a wild hair. What happened next, from Judy’s perspective, seemed awful cruel: the woman had her close her eyes, and Judy could smell a freshly baked cake wafting past her as the woman carried it to her. The woman then told Judy to take a seat, and when she did, Judy had been tricked into sitting right on that warm, soft cake. She ran out embarrassed, still hungry, the woman’s superlative cackling echoing behind her as she fled.
Two weeks later, Judy’s Patootie had claimed the Foghorning World Record and launched a legendary entertainment career. Lauded as the Angel of Butthole County, records report that her large and shapely posterior, seemingly out of place on her petite frame, was credited as being caused by a lifetime of professional foghorning. But we can’t help butt wonder, Dear Readers, if there wasn’t a little bit of magic in that cake?
* Foghorning, also colloquially known as ‘hog-whistling’ in certain local parlance, is the art of sucking air in through the rectum, and then sort of “whistling”, in tune. “Fog” referring to the ‘inhaled’ air, and “horning” to the subsequent blast. Skilled foghorners were up there with cowboy ballad whistlers in their ability to evoke deep emotions of a difficult road ahead, or homesickness for a place that never existed. Judy held the world record for being able to sustain the longest, loudest “note” on a single “breath”, in perfect pitch.